Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

June 13th a day I won't soon forget

"Wait I need to come closer...kisses"!
He then sat down,
placed his paw on my heart,
and looked me in the eye.
As if to say " It's time for me to go Mom.".

I had had to email to make the appointment,
I couldn't bring myself to utter
the words.

It was an emotional day for us.
This fella has been a true Gentleman, Companion and Confidante.
He will be affectionately remembered and profoundly missed.
Our little man, Bailey was diagnosed with Kidney Disease in August 2016.
RIP 'Puff Puff'
July 2001 - June 13 2017








Until we meet at the Rainbow Bridge...I will miss you.
http://www.petguide.com/breeds/dog/pomimo/





Sunday, December 8, 2013

Have I lost him entirely?


This is the most difficult Blog entry I have ever written.
Please know it is not done to hurt anyone and that I thought long and hard before sharing it.
Maybe it will help someone. 
Someone like me,
who knows what it's like to feel as if you are the only one on an island.

Over the course of years we have changed….and on March 23 of this year I jotted thoughts and feelings as an ‘outlet’.  I hadn’t spoken of the changes I had seen over the years, of the husband that I had lost.   Lost although he was right here, living in the same house.  I thought I was losing my mind.  This has been edited slightly due to personal content and such, but remains otherwise as I had 'jotted'. 

We all change.  Sometimes we change at the same speed, other times one is slower than another.   There are so many changes; I don’t know you any more.   Others think you have changed, they have seen a change.   They have no idea.

He has done this for ‘himself’ for ‘me’ he says (started going to the gym, working out, losing weight, drinking protein powder and such).   As well as undergoing other  of life's  changes. 'This is the Me I am now, everyone likes me and you have to accept me.'   Yes, I can appreciate that you have made changes, truly I can.  Do I like all of the changes?  Some of them, yes.  But no, not all of them.    Can I put my finger on why?  No, I can’t.   Not fully.    

He claims I don’t get it….he’s right.   I don’t.   I don’t understand how one can think that they can change this much and not affect those around them - dramatically.   I think it’s wonderful that he has lost weight, gained confidence and found his place in this world.   I do. 

If others around him comment as to how much he has changed in the last few months, why does he keep asking if he has?  Does he not see it?  The man I married thought of others before saying things that may hurt them.  There is something to be said for what is on one’s mind, yes.  Other times, it’s best to just be quiet.   Be quiet, stop talking.   Please stop talking.

I  recently got a hair cut (after months) and instead of saying it looked nice, or that he noticed (even if he pretended).  Instead I "should have just gotten it all cut off........".  What does that say to what he thinks of me? Maybe I should lose weight – yep, I should. But, you know what; I don’t feel like I am ready.   He often used to point out how rude that was when someone said that others need to lose weight.  The other day, it was my brain that wasn’t enough, because I didn’t (and still don’t) recall a PIN id that I have not used in months. He berated me in the store in front of the clerk.  *You have to know, he normally is not one to raise his voice.*  I was mortified, again.   It’s not enough that I am expected to remember even his?   This, in his mind, is helpful?  No.  This is one of those – just keep quiet times.   We all have them. 

I feel so lost, alone, scared but mostly empty. I am a shell of what I used to be.  An empty shell caught on a giant wave.    I want to walk together, we don't need to run.   I want to discuss things, not yell.  I want to talk about one another’s day.  I want… what we had but even better.  To have what we used to have, would be a great beginning.

I need the man that loved me for me, the man that made me laugh.   We have come through so much in 25 years. He has told me a number of times that if he didn’t love me he would have left me long ago. Maybe he still wishes he had. 

Black Rose is also trying to adjust to ‘us’ the us we have become.  I fear for her, I do.  I thought we had a stable environment for her. We had always tried not to get into an argument wherein she could hear.   Everyone has baggage, some more than others.   Some of us have baggage that others don’t know about.   And won’t.

I want my friend.  I miss my friend.   I need my friend.   Where is he?   Where did he go?   I wish this were a GC (GeoCache) code, I would travel the world to find him.  No satellite interruption could stop me.  No cloudy day.   But he’s right here, and I still can’t find him.    I cried for the first time in a long time, it felt good. 

But didn’t really help except to show me how broken I feel.  How broken I am. I heard a sound, a sound I wasn’t sure of.  As I investigated I found the sound was coming from me. A mournful sound.  I mourn, I cried like I am in mourning.   And I am.

Maybe that’s part of the Mars/Venus thing.  We each feel the other doesn’t understand, and maybe we can’t fully.   I do know that I love the man that’s under there…I just wish I could reach him.   I am afraid that I have lost him.   Oh God, I am so afraid that I have lost him."  

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

RIP Ollie Nov 15/08 to June 15/11



So tiny then.



He hardly fit into the carefully choosen box.
A piece of Black Rose's beach glass held by the ribbon.


He had gotten so big.

Black Rose Mourns a pet.

One day soon this bush will be in full bloom and Ollie will enjoy the shade
of the weigela.



Sunday, April 24, 2011


ST, MARTINS - Nearly as big an attraction as the famous sea caves and the Fundy Trail, Mickey Huttges was remembered fondly on Friday as the soul of St. Martins.

Mickey Huttges, the beloved meat man from St. Martins, died Thursday night. Here, he is seen sitting outside his store with a wooden carving he called Herbie. He saw the carving and loved it so much he bought it.
The proprietor of the historical village's century-old country store and one of New Brunswick's most colourful characters, Huttges died suddenly Thursday night at his home in Henry Lake following a typically long day behind the meat counter at Huttges General Merchants. He was 67.



Known as Mickey the Meat Man, over the course of four decades he had become famous for his home-made sausage and home-spun humour, and had customers from all over the province and New England. It wasn't uncommon for some to travel long distances to fill their coolers and be entertained, always leaving with a smile on their face.

"People came not only for his groceries, sausage and meats, but for Mickey himself,'' Rodney Weston said Friday as he stood in the store, where friends and customers gathered after learning of his passing. "He was an institution in St. Martins.

"This was so sudden, so unexpected, such a shock. It is going to leave a big hole in the community. He is really going to be missed."

A native New Brunswicker, he learned to be a butcher by watching his father, Henry Huttges Sr., and grew up working in his dad's meat stall at the City Market in Saint John. As much a part of St. Martins' charm as its shipbuilders' houses, he had run Huttges General Merchants since the 1960s with the exception of a brief period when he helped with the construction of Point Lepreau.

For the last year he had been renovating the store, which still has its original tin ceilings, and soon planned to move into an apartment above it with his long-time partner, Cherri Wilson. He was previously married to Betty MacMillan, the manager of business development for the Port of Saint John and mother of his four children, sons Colin, Peter and Billy and daughter, Denyse, an actress and movie producer in Hollywood who uses the professional name Cayman Grant.

He also is survived by his twin brother, Jim Huttges, St. Martins' mayor.

"The store isn't going to be the same without him,'' said Betty Jones, an employee for 10 years. "He would give you the shirt off his back. He was the most kind-hearted soul I ever met."

Funeral arrangements were not complete on Friday, but undoubtedly there will be an outpouring. The parking lot outside the store was crowded in the afternoon as stunned customers came to visit, and inside, the phone rang almost constantly.

They were terribly sad, but smiled as they exchanged anecdotes.

"I used to tell people that Mickey had an opinion, and you heard it whether you wanted to or not,'' Weston said.

The area's former MLA and most recent Member of Parliament, Weston recalled Mickey Huttges' gift for gab, love of politics and disdain for politicians. A Tory, Weston recalled once asking Huttges, an ardent Liberal, to support him.

"He stopped short and stared at me and said, 'Let me think about it'," Weston said. "Next time I came in, he asked if I had a membership card for him to sign and he did.

"He became a terrific supporter."

A man who loved to pontificate, Mickey would often meet people at the door and follow them around the aisles, talking and arguing.

"He would escort them around, walk them out the door and then follow them to their cars,'' Jones said. "They'd be driving away and he'd still be talking.

"That was Mickey."

Once a baseball player for the St. Martins Mets senior league team, he also loved to hunt and fish.

"You couldn't have gotten a better uncle,'' his nephew, Bruce Huttges, said Friday, his eyes pools of tears. "When I was a teenager and needed a vehicle, he would always lend me his car. He took all of us fishing.

"He was a special guy."

When she arrived for work on Friday, Jones found a photo of Mickey Huttges pinned to a community bulletin board outside the front door. The words, "You were the soul of St. Martins, Mickey, and you will always be with us" were written across the bottom.
"I still don't believe it,'' Allan Love, a longtime customer said, shaking his head. "We were friends for a long, long time.

"Everyone loved Mickey. He was a friend to everybody."

Marty Klinkenberg is the senior writer of the Telegraph-Journal

**On a personal note - these quotes are so Mickey.  Our family will miss him greatly and our hearts go to his family and the community as they mourn the loss of a 2nd 'icon' of the community within 13 days of each other.  RIP our friend we shall all miss our chats.** This photo was 'snapped' by chance on our last visit - of course he was always on the move so it's not very clear.