Have I lost him entirely?

This is the most difficult Blog entry I have ever written.

Please know it is not done to hurt anyone and that I thought long and hard before sharing it.

Maybe it will help someone. 

Someone like me,

who knows what it's like to feel as if you are the only one on an island.

Over the course of years we have changed….and on March 23 of this year I jotted thoughts and feelings as an ‘outlet’.  I hadn’t spoken of the changes I had seen over the years, of the husband that I had lost.   Lost although he was right here, living in the same house.  I thought I was losing my mind.  This has been edited slightly due to personal content and such, but remains otherwise as I had 'jotted'. 

We all change.  Sometimes we change at the same speed, other times one is slower than another.   There are so many changes; I don’t know you any more.   Others think you have changed, they have seen a change.   They have no idea.

He has done this for ‘himself’ for ‘me’ he says (started going to the gym, working out, losing weight, drinking protein powder and such).   As well as undergoing other  of life's  changes. 'This is the Me I am now, everyone likes me and you have to accept me.'   Yes, I can appreciate that you have made changes, truly I can.  Do I like all of the changes?  Some of them, yes.  But no, not all of them.    Can I put my finger on why?  No, I can’t.   Not fully.    

He claims I don’t get it….he’s right.   I don’t.   I don’t understand how one can think that they can change this much and not affect those around them - dramatically.   I think it’s wonderful that he has lost weight, gained confidence and found his place in this world.   I do. 

If others around him comment as to how much he has changed in the last few months, why does he keep asking if he has?  Does he not see it?  The man I married thought of others before saying things that may hurt them.  There is something to be said for what is on one’s mind, yes.  Other times, it’s best to just be quiet.   Be quiet, stop talking.   Please stop talking.

I  recently got a hair cut (after months) and instead of saying it looked nice, or that he noticed (even if he pretended).  Instead I "should have just gotten it all cut off........".  What does that say to what he thinks of me? Maybe I should lose weight – yep, I should. But, you know what; I don’t feel like I am ready.   He often used to point out how rude that was when someone said that others need to lose weight.  The other day, it was my brain that wasn’t enough, because I didn’t (and still don’t) recall a PIN id that I have not used in months. He berated me in the store in front of the clerk.  *You have to know, he normally is not one to raise his voice.*  I was mortified, again.   It’s not enough that I am expected to remember even his?   This, in his mind, is helpful?  No.  This is one of those – just keep quiet times.   We all have them. 

I feel so lost, alone, scared but mostly empty. I am a shell of what I used to be.  An empty shell caught on a giant wave.    I want to walk together, we don't need to run.   I want to discuss things, not yell.  I want to talk about one another’s day.  I want… what we had but even better.  To have what we used to have, would be a great beginning.

I need the man that loved me for me, the man that made me laugh.   We have come through so much in 25 years. He has told me a number of times that if he didn’t love me he would have left me long ago. Maybe he still wishes he had. 

Black Rose is also trying to adjust to ‘us’ the us we have become.  I fear for her, I do.  I thought we had a stable environment for her. We had always tried not to get into an argument wherein she could hear.   Everyone has baggage, some more than others.   Some of us have baggage that others don’t know about.   And won’t.

I want my friend.  I miss my friend.   I need my friend.   Where is he?   Where did he go?   I wish this were a GC (GeoCache) code, I would travel the world to find him.  No satellite interruption could stop me.  No cloudy day.   But he’s right here, and I still can’t find him.    I cried for the first time in a long time, it felt good. 

But didn’t really help except to show me how broken I feel.  How broken I am. I heard a sound, a sound I wasn’t sure of.  As I investigated I found the sound was coming from me. A mournful sound.  I mourn, I cried like I am in mourning.   And I am.

Maybe that’s part of the Mars/Venus thing.  We each feel the other doesn’t understand, and maybe we can’t fully.   I do know that I love the man that’s under there…I just wish I could reach him.   I am afraid that I have lost him.   Oh God, I am so afraid that I have lost him."